Little Friends: Let Them Choose & Let Us Foster

I've always been a firm believer of choosing the right friends because friends could influence you for life.  But while I hold that belief myself, choosing friends for my children isn't on my parenting to-do-list.

AJ met IV in pre-k.  I unfortunately had a health scare and was fortunate to have I's mom there.  They've been inseparable ever since.  Both boys were lucky enough to be in the same classroom in the kindergarten.  In first grade, however, the school didn't think that putting them together again was wise, so they separated AJ & IV.  But in first grade, AJ met GA.  GA & IV are family friends.  So now three of them are super close friends.

We sometimes forget how important friendship is to young children.  We often think that the concept of friendship develop at a much later stage; and as such, we adults don't really bother to foster their relationship. Sure, we may have play dates and mommy groups and extracurricular activities that have children that are our kid's age, but let's be honest here.  Mommy groups are more or less for the parents' sake.  In Asian culture, the concept of "play date" is virtually non-existent.  As for those extracurricular activities, the focus is usually geared toward the learned activity or lesson rather than forming a social bond with its members.  

Even armed with the knowledge that social interaction is important to children, we still forget how important it is for them to choose their own friends.  Letting them choose not only affirms their self-awareness and belonging, it further boosts their confidence and their understanding of what or who works for them. 

IV is from a devout Christian family that holds great values and certainly puts forward that value into real actions. I's parents are both gentle and generous souls who is always looking out for those who are in need.  GA's family is an energetic one bursting with new ideas and knowledge.  

AJ with IV

When AJ is with IV, AJ experiences IV's generosity that even IV's mom was surprised.  IV joined the neighborhood soccer team only for the trophy at the end of the season.  No other sports has a trophy so IV didn't want to join.  So trophies holds dear in IV's heart, and IV had two trophies.  And IV's mom and I were equally surprised that IV gave AJ a trophy without question.  This goes for everything they shared: they each other freely share with each other things and friendship like no others.

GA was a new transfer from another country.  When AJ saw GA was playing all alone on the playground so AJ walked over to ask if he wanted to play with him.  GA agreed.  After playing for a little while, AJ asked GA if he wants to be his friend.  At first GA didn't say anything, so AJ asked again, "Promise?"  GA said, "Yes!" And rest is history.

AJ with GA

With GA, AJ was much impressed with GA's abundant knowledge from the get-go.  AJ saw how GA can create 3-D insects with drawing and cutting, he learned from GA.  After knowing that GA knows how to write cursive, AJ was so motivated to learn as well.  Their motivation to better themselves was so evident that even the school teacher took notice.  The teacher was so glad that they were telling each other to be on good behavior to earn rewards and do well on school work.

So now when your children haven chosen good friends for themselves, do we adults care enough to foster that?  Do we take the time to understand why this particular relationship is important for them?  Do we find time to get to know the family of our children's friends?  Do we think that children's friendship is every bit as essential as our adult relationships with others?

From my standpoint, the basis for children's relationship is innocent and unbiased.  At such young age, they choose their own friends not because they rich or famous, beautiful or powerful.  Their friendship is not an exchange of external self-benefit or interest.  They choose their friends with no such ulterior motives.  They simply enjoy their company because they get along and have a good rapport together.  Few adult relationship could say the same.  

Funny enough, both IV and GA's parents hold values and philosophies that are virtually the same as we do. GA's father is in the same field of work as my husband; and GA's mother is in the same field of work as me. IV's family have almost identical religious faith as us.  So our boy has actually choose our great "adult" friends without us even looking!

Mommies & Daddies of Tres Amigos

So why do we not let them choose their friends and help them foster it?

So when we moved to California, the news were devastating for the tres amigos.  We parents had a big send-off party for the kiddos.  And today we will let the kiddos skype for the first time.  

Sometimes letting your kids pick your friends isn't that bad of an idea!