Dealing With The Tooth Fairy: Shark Tank Style

Kids lose their baby teeth.  It's a rite of passage for early childhood.

My two older children came home one day to inform me that they've discovered a new way of making money that they've learned from their classmates at school.  It was to sell a portion of their body parts, their loose baby teeth, to this celestial being called the Tooth Fairy. 

Apparently, this exchange of commodity is done while you are asleep.  By placing the newly extracted tooth underneath a pillow before going to bed at night, come morning cash will be replaced.

A 2007 survey by Visa Inc. found that American children receive $3.70 USD per tooth on average. The highest bidding on a single tooth I've known is said to be $20 USD.  Dental commodity certainly has inflated since my days when a tooth went for just a dime.

I didn't know how lucrative this Tooth Fairy business is until I ran a background check on this chick. Evidently, there is an entire side business dedicated to this segment of dental industry.  There are special pillows for placing your baby teeth, easy for the Tooth Fairy for retrieval of the loose tooth and deposit of this said cash. There are bejeweled trinket boxes not too unlike what a woman would receive upon her marriage proposal. There are board games, workbooks, art supplies, and costumes. There are fabricated letters, printable certificates, and even doctored receipts for fallen teeth. She has her own brand of chewable probiotics that boast calcium and vitamin D. She has made countless appearances in bookstores and on YouTube channels which crowned her as a heroine and sometimes even as a martyr (a book titled "You Think It's Easy Being the Tooth Fairy?"). She even starred Dwayne Johnson a.k.a. "The Rock" in her Blockbuster movie deal and Larry the Cable Guy in the sequel. She hosts several websites that circulate on the Internet. There is even an app that calculates her going rate for loose baby teeth nowadays. 

By the looks of all these, Miss Toothy here is not only a multimillionaire, but she is a shark who owns a monopoly corporation that has an absolute absence of competition.  Forget being a fantasy figure for childhood, she is in fact a femme fatale of the future.  She's even got parents to happily play venture capitalists on her behalf cheating young innocent children big time by giving them minuscule change for her own profit.  Poor are those children who don't even have a labor union to protest against such outrage.

So when Gabriel (6.5) lost his front tooth yesterday, I decided to bring up this Tooth Fairy business up with him.  I figured, if he decided to do business with someone, shouldn't he really think it through? 

(G's replies in bold italics)

How does the Tooth Fairy come into our house?  How do you make a business exchange with your eyes closed and asleep? Does she come after you are asleep but while daddy and I are awake?  Do we get to meet her?  How do we know it's her?  Does she have a business card?  Why do I get the feeling that this is bordering on black market?

Not sure, she is supposed to be magic.

Magic, you say?  So how come she has websites of her own?  According to her bio, she scavenges for human remains.  Now, you can classify her as an archaeologist, a vulture, or what have you, but I just thought it is highly suspect that she only trades in US dollars.  I've never heard of any tooth fairy before in Asia or the Pacific Rim.  Does she only want teeth made in the U.S.A.?

Yes, mostly in the North America.  She only visits the places closer to her home.  She also visits the Caribbeans and Central America.  Sometimes Columbia, Ecuador, and Peru.  Maybe New Zealand, too.

Where does she live exactly?  Can you tell me where her house is on the map?

It's somewhere above the sky in the Pacific Ocean between the Hawaii and the U.S.A.  Her castle is in the clouds. 

Well, then so what does the Tooth Fairy do with all these teeth she collects?  Does she take all these teeth from little kids and make them into something and then sell them for profit or what?

She builds her fairy castle with human baby teeth.  Her castle is made from teeth.  Instead of bricks, it's built tooth by tooth. 

She lives in a castle built with human teeth?!  Morbid much?  Anyhow, I hope she uses quality denture adhesive.  How does she know which houses to go for loose teeth then?  Her job is not like Santa Claus who just goes to every single house on the planet. 

She has a map that tells her which houses to go. 

I see.  So how much do you get for a single tooth?  Are there different price points for incisors, canines, or molars?

The least is a dime.  The most is five dollars.  I think you get more for the teeth at the back of your mouth.  And I think if you save them all in a box then you'd get more money that way. 

So there is not a set price in dental exchange, and apparently there is wholesale pricing.  Can you tell the Tooth Fairy how much you want for the teeth, like a suggested retail price?  I mean, if a tooth is perfect, without cavity, shouldn't it worth more than a stinky cavity-ridden one?  You've grown your teeth yourself, shouldn't you have a say in your cost?  Can't you negotiate your prices? 

No, Tooth Fairy doesn't work that way.  She gets to decide how much your teeth is worth. 

Wow, sounds like she is running a monopoly that controls the entire dental market here.

But I kinda wish that she gives presents instead of money.

Oh yeah?  What kind of gifts would you want from the Tooth Fairy?

Like a toothbrush or something.  Something cool that you can use would be nice. 

Does Tooth Fairy trade adult teeth, too?  Old people lose their teeth, too, you know.  I feel that wisdom teeth should get paid the most since the extraction actually requires an oral surgeon and anesthesia which dramatically raise your cost. How about misfit dentures that are cast aside?

I'm not sure.  Maybe she should buy adult teeth, too.  It's only fair. 

She really should, you know.  Adult teeth are stronger and built to last longer.  She would build better walls with adult teeth.  They are bigger, too.  She could build a larger castle with adult teeth. 

You can save your teeth when you are old, Mommy, and trade with her then.

Will she still be around then?  How old is the Tooth Fairy anyways?

Did Adam and Eve have teeth?

Why, I'm sure.  They ate the fruits from the trees in the Garden of Eden, and they talked.  You gotta have teeth for that, right?  Why do you ask?

Well, the Tooth Fairy was around then to pick up Adam and Eve's teeth.  So she is very, very old.  Like maybe 9000 or 9385 years old. 

Wow, she is still alive?  Does Tooth Fairy have any relatives?   You know, like Hair Elf?  Nail Clipping Wizards?  Booger Genie?  Pee Pee Goblin?  Poo Poo Gnome?  I mean, does she have families that collects other bodily products?  I really could use some pocket change from some self-grown produce.  We do have five people in our family, you know.  Our grocery budget could use a boost.

No, she only has helpers, no families.  Teeth get heavy.  Did you know that she is actually very teeny tiny? 

Is she really?  I was wondering how she was able to carry all these loose teeth all by herself.  So are you going to put your tooth under the pillow? 

I did, but she didn't come.  It didn't work.  I think it only works if you do it at night.  I lost my tooth in the morning at around 4:30 a.m. - it wasn't night time, not really - so it didn't work. 

Why, her map didn't light up to come get yours?

I'm just going to save all my teeth instead of giving them to her.  You can always have money, but you only have one set of baby teeth.

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Well what do you know - my 6-year old decided to retain his assets and debunked the Tooth Fairy all on his own. 

I, on the other hand, got to save and invest my dime elsewhere after all.