My Favorite Child: A Peak into Sibling Rivalry

Someone asked me a question today:

"Which child do you like better?"

It's a common question to ask a parent, but this question really had me thinking.

On the surface and out of instinct, people's answer and selection will usually be based on the child's characteristics and personality that is more compatible or agreeable to the parent.

But a closer look at the semantics of this question will lend a totally different perspective.

When we are taking into the consideration of who is more preferable, the underlying focus is actually being placed on us, the parent, instead of the chosen child.  The emphasis is us who needed to be catered to.  The importance of our well-being as a parent is being highlighted, not the child that is being selected.  We are actually asking which child is better for us, which child gives us more joy, which child attends to our needs, and which child is better suited for us.

When a parent thinks in such a way, a child is no longer viewed as a person but rather a product or a possession to be reviewed.  Having more than one child simply gives a parent more freedom to pick and choose. Favoritism becomes a selection process that benefits whatever (situation or characteristic) or whoever the parent crave. 

It is a thought-provoking question also because it taps into a more taboo territory of sibling rivalry.  If a preference leans toward one child over the other, it will inevitably show in a parent's ways of speaking to and behaving around his/her children.  Strangely enough, WE as the parent are not able to detect this preferential treatment ourselves usually, but everyone around us, especially our children, will. 

And if and when this differential treatment is manifested, without us consciously aware, we might be grossly surprised why there is an increased incidence where they are fighting and arguing between themselves.  It's a simple equation really: parental favoritism + children vying for parents' attention = sibling rivalry.  Sadly, rarely does anyone know how to solve it.

Evolutionary speaking, this attention-seeking behavior by fighting and arguing among themselves is a quickest way to 1. Fight off the competition, 2. Restore one's own chance of existence, and 3. Secure resources from parents.  It is a primal survival instinct when the attention and resource from their only source of comfort and basic needs is scarcely limited and unfairly distributed.  This phenomenon often starts when children are very young, sometimes when the newest family member is introduced to the household.  This experience, if not caught early and corrected, will continue well into adulthood.  Some sibling rivalry persists even when parents have long deceased.  Controlling for individual differences, 99.9% of sibling rivalry stems out of preferential treatment from parents.

I've actually forced to ask myself to imagine such a scenario:  If I had to live with one child in his adulthood when I'm old and feeble, which one would I prefer? 

My firstborn (8) is a natural born leader who is also a skilled negotiator.  He is a hard worker who takes his responsibility seriously. I love how his vivid creativity and imagination explode with attention to details.  I love how he is so sensitive to his own feelings and considerate of other people's feelings.  I'm amazed at his physical prowess and agility.  I love how readily he is to help someone in need and how he is Mr. Popular amongst his peers.  His sweet and conscientious nature is a constant reminder that there is goodness in this world. 

I love my second child's pure thirst for knowledge like a sponge.  He (6.5) loves doing in-depth research from astronomy to geography, from architecture to language, and anything in between.  His sense of logic and ability to synthesizes amaze me to no end.  His alternative ways of thinking often amuse me.  I love how he loves to snuggle and give kisses.  I love that he has a keen sense of fashion and design.  I love how he compliments and beams at me as if I am the beauty queen whenever I dress up for a night out. 

And I'm just enjoying the baby's delicate chubby features and his simple ways of communication.  I love rediscovering how a child learns his way into this world through him (4 mos). His innocent response to things around him is so direct, so physical, and so truthful.  I love how he shows his happiness with his entire body with his little legs kicking, his little arms waving, and his little body wiggling.  I love how he crinkles his eyes and sticks out his tongue as he gives his signature toothless grin.  And I love how he reminds me that life could be so simple yet satisfying.

But it is when they are all together - playing, talking, sharing, laughing, and helping each other - that melts my heart.  I've witnessed on many accounts when one comes to another's rescue (without my interference).  One calls to the other because he runs out of toilet paper while doing his business in the bathroom. The other would rush to his rescue with a full roll of toilet paper. One is slow to pack up leaving school; the other stops to help him. One is hungry; the other comes readily with food/bottle to feed. One is punished; the other comforts.  One is frustrated; the other offers advice.  One is stuck; the other gives solution. 

Brothers reading the Bible together

Two big brothers giving baby a bath

It is when they are enjoying and valuing each other's company that warms my heart.  They have their own circle of friends with their own secret language.  That is what siblings are for.  They share this non-extinguished bond that I treasure so much that I'd never dreamed of interfering.  They are individuals, special in his own ways.  Not as an extension for the parents.  Not as laborers for ourselves.  Not as a security for our old age.  Not as tools to satisfy our own vanity.  And certainly not as bids to pit against themselves to win our affection. 

To answer my own question: I don't know how to choose one over the other.  It is even harder to answer my friend's original question of which child I'd favor more. 

So my long answer short, no, each child is unique in his own way.  

I love them all, never equally, but each in his own very special way.