When Good Parents Do Bad Things

Every parent wishes to be the best parent by raising sensible and understanding children.  

But sometimes, there are some things we do unknowingly that made the kids behave less and less like a "good kid."  

These are some things that we habitually or naturally do as parents that are ironically the things we should avoid.  

Here are some of these examples that we typically do wrong:

1.  We disturb our children's concentration unknowingly.

     Scenario:  Bobby is building blocks on the floor. Mom comes over with a water bottle, "Drink some water, Bobby." Bobby ignores mom. Mom persists, "Bobby, you need to drink some water." Bobby is still playing with his blocks. Mom puts the water bottle to Bobby's mouth, "Drink some water. It's been a long time since you've done that." Bobby pushes Mom away. Mom thinks Bobby is very stubborn.

    Suggestion:  Lots of parents worry about their children's short attention span. Yes, developmentally speaking, kids do have a shorter attention span. So when they're fully immersed in doing something they enjoy, that is when they're training their attention span. If we interrupt with ”Drink some water" or "You want a snack?" or "Wanna color now?" every so often, it's serious interference. We can exercise a little patience by waiting a little longer until they're done with whatever they're doing before moving onto the next task.

2.  We refuse our children's sharing.

     Scenario:  Jenny is eating strawberries from a bowl. Dad asks, "Are the strawberries good, honey?" Can I have a bite?" Jenny hands Dad a strawberry from her bowl. Dad smiles, "Ah you're so sweet, baby. Thanks, but that's okay. You go ahead." Jenny withdraws her hand and continues to eat her strawberries by herself.

    Suggestion:  If you asked for it, take it. And take it gladly. Otherwise, can you imagine the confusion your child must feel? "You want it, but then you don't want it anymore?" After a few times, kids know you're only testing them and will become someone who is unwilling to share.

3.  We are overprotective.  

    Scenario: Matty trips and falls on the ground in a park. He stands up by himself and dusts himself off. Mom rushes over and asks, "Oh no, baby! Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself? Woh, it's red now. You must be hurting, right? Do you need a bandage?"

    Suggestion: The kid is okay, and the pain has been ignored. But if the parent makes such a big fuss over nothing, the child will mirror the reaction. Some parents would choose to make light of the situation, "You're okay, no biggie." This way is not to ignore or disregard the pain but to teach the child to bravely face the challenges with positivity. 

4.  We become our children's spokespersons.

    Scenario:  In an elevator, Mom is with Kimmy, who is singing her favorite song out loud. An older lady who is in the same elevator smiles and asks, "Such a beautiful voice. What's your name?" Kimmy is a little shy and does not respond. The lady asks, "How old are you?" Kimmy still does not reply. Mom doesn't want to be rude so she answers for her daughter, "It's Kimmy. She's 5 years old." The lady nodded, "Oh, you sing so well. Good job!"

    Suggestion: Mom thinks her child is shy and doesn't dare to speak to strangers, so she's helping her out by answering for her. But in reality, this is depriving the child's right to speak and a chance to grow. The more you help, the less likely a child is willing to speak up for herself. A good way to prompt the child is: "This lady is asking you a question. Why don't you tell her yourself?"

5.  We satisfy our children without limit.

    Scenario:  Freddy likes to eat cutie tangerines. Each time after Mom peels the tangerines, she hands all the slices to Freddy, "You just love tangerines, don't you? It's all yours!" Freddy enjoys Mom's goodwill and service. Until one day, Mom unintentionally puts a slice into her mouth and eats it. Freddy breaks into a tantrum, "That's for me!" Freddy cries and forces Mom to spit out the half-eaten tangerine slice.

    Suggestion: Whatever the kid likes, the parent pretends not to like. Whatever the kid wants, the parent pretends not to want. Overboard child-centered parenting can only lead the child to develop into a narcissistic, selfish, and domineering character, who will find it difficult to socialize with others and integrate smoothly into group settings. They will feel unbalanced and unfair when they encounter any situations where their wishes are not met. 

6.  We don't let our children try on their own.

    Scenario:  Danny sees Dad raking the leaves in the backyard. He rushes over and grabs hold of the rake and wants to help. Dad stops him, "You're only going to make it worse. Go somewhere else to play!" Until one day Dad complains, "He only plays around and never thought to help out around the house." Without lifting his head, Danny says, "I'm only going to make it worse." 

    Suggestion: Dad's original "good intention" to lessen any troubles actually becomes a "bad thing." When something is not done right or up to our expectations, it's the perfect opportunity for the child to bear their own responsibility and consequences by learning from their mistakes. What we need to offer are ample opportunities for them to try things out, learn the process, and demonstrate their capabilities so that they can develop a positive growth mindset.

Do you inevitably or unintentionally do some of these? What other things do you notice that you might do that could have a negative consequence on the child's developing character or behavior?

Let us know and we can help!

#parentingtips #dosanddontsofparenting ##goodintentionturnbad